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Supporters of abstinence-only, abstinence-based and comprehensive sexuality education alike, agree that parents should be the primary sexuality educators of their children. Easier said than done! This may be an especially tough role for those adults whose parents left them in the dark. You may be thinking, "I turned out alright, so my child will find his or her own way too." But sexuality education isn't
as easy today. Adolescents are overloaded with messages from TV
and peers, many of which send the wrong messages about sex, body
image, and self-respect. So start talking openly and honestly with
your kids, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable it is for you
or your kids. Kids want and expect the information to come from
you… so get talking! Here are some tips to get you started.
Many parents feel that if they give their child information about sex before they're ready, their teenagers are going to have sex sooner. Nothing could be further from the truth. Studies consistently show that if teenagers are prepared with information regarding healthy relationships, values, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and contraception, they are more likely to delay sexual intercourse and will know how to protect themselves when they do make the choice to become sexually active1. According to a World Health Organization review of 35 studies, no evidence was found that sexuality education programs lead to earlier or increased sexual activity among teens2. Sexuality education can start as early as birth when the topics tend to be a little easier. Start by not overreacting if you find your toddler exploring their genitals when playing in the tub and using proper terminology when addressing body parts. If your little one isn't so little anymore, remember, it's never too late to start talking about sex and sexuality. For teenagers, sexuality education starts with small steps that show your teen that you are open and willing to talk about the tough stuff. If they feel that you are comfortable talking, they are more likely to come to you the next time they have a question. You may not know how to answer every question, but answer as best as you can. Remember that it's ok to say, "I don't know but I'll find out for you," or you can find out together. Try exploring our Links section. By talking to your children
before they start dating and pursuing relationships, they will be
able to establish their sexual boundaries early on, rather than
" in the heat of the moment." They will be aware of the
pros and cons of sexual relationships and have better information
with which to make informed decisions. For example, a recent survey
of 751 African American youth found that adolescents who (a) believed
their mother disapproved of premarital sex or (b) said they were
satisfied with the relationship they had with their mother were
more likely to abstain from sexual intercourse or to have sexual
intercourse less frequently. For those adolescents who were sexually
active, they were found to use contraception more frequently3. Initiate Conversations Teenagers have just as much
fear as you do when it comes to talking about sex; so don't wait
for them to volunteer. Find "teachable moments". It can
be a conversation about something on TV or a song from their favorite
radio station while riding in the car. There are so many references
to sex and characters participating in sexual activity on many prime-time
shows; it's not too hard to find a place to start. When characters
on your teenager's favorite TV show have sex, try a conversation
on protected sex, since condoms are rarely mentioned on TV. Help
them understand that in real life, there can be physical and emotional
consequences that aren't usually seen in these shows, and problems
they may encounter will take more than an hour to solve.
According to a recent study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, most parents want their children to receive information on a variety of subjects including contraception and condom use, sexually transmitted disease, sexual orientation, safer sex practices, abortion, communication and coping skills, and the emotional aspects of sexual relationships4. While some school sexual health classes address the facts surrounding teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, you may feel more comfortable addressing many of these other topics at home. Talking about sexuality at home allows you to integrate your own values into their education. Many families hold religious beliefs surrounding sex and sexuality, so here's your opportunity to let your children know where you stand. Clear messages from you about your values and feelings regarding sexual activity can have a big impact on your child's decision making. Allow your child to accept the values they agree with, but as they get older, remember that they may develop their own values that may vary from yours. It's also important to help them establish goals for the future, whether it's college, the military, or finding a job. Help them see how their choices today regarding sex can alter the goals they have established.
Issues related to sex are not
always easy for either party to talk about. Teens say that parents
as most influential when it comes to sexual opinions, beliefs, and
attitudes. Children who perceive their parents to be friendly and
attentive report less sexual activity throughout their high school
and college years5. Be available, honest, attentive,
and praise your children for coming to you to talk about sexuality.
If your child asks about homosexuality, try to be accepting and
not pass judgment. They may be questioning themselves and may already
be receiving messages from parts of society that are not accepting.
A parent's acceptance of a child's sexual orientation can be the
most beneficial contribution to the mental health of the child.
For some parents whose values may be unaccepting of this lifestyle,
this may be difficult. Remember that research shows that being gay
is not a choice6. Besides, no matter what, they will
always be your child.
It is important to know that you do not need to be a sexual health expert. It's OK if you don't know all of the answers to your children's questions; it's better to say, "I don't know", than to give misleading information. Don't be afraid to do some research before talking to your children on issues you are unsure of or on issues you think they may ask about. You could also turn it into a project to do together. Look up questions you don't have answers to on the Internet or in books. This will help illustrate to your child where additional resources are and how they can access them. Also, don't be afraid to practice your responses. You can practice in front of a mirror, with your spouse or partner, or with friends. Your ability to speak comfortably about sexual health will make your children more comfortable asking questions and discussing sensitive issues.
Although you will never be able to walk in your children's shoes and make their decisions for them, it will help them to know that you are supportive. You don't need to share every detail of your past with your child, but consider taking a look at the decisions you made and remembering why you made them. Did you wait until marriage to have sex? If not, evaluate what information would have been useful at that time in your life and share it with your child. This may help them make a more informed choice when it's their turn. Acknowledging to your child that there are things you wished you had done differently may encourage them to think long and hard about what they really want. It's also important for parents
to take a look at their current behaviors and see how they may influence
their child's behaviors. Parents aren't perfect, and it's OK to
admit that to your child. If there are behaviors they are seeing
from you that aren't necessarily healthy, talk openly about them.
Help them understand that you want better for them.
Literature Cited 1. Adolescence and abstinence
fact sheet. The SIECUS Report, 26(1). http://www.siecus.org/pubs/fact/fact0001.html
Comprehensive Sexuality
Education: Education that provides
information on a range of sexual health issues, including abstinence,
contraception and condoms, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs),
pregnancy, and communication skills National Parent Information Network: www.npin.org Advocates for Youth: www.advocatesforyouth.org Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays: www.pflag.org Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States: www.siecus.org Planned Parenthood: www.plannedparenthood.org Mothers' Voices United to End AIDS: www.mvoices.org Talk With Your Kids: www.talkingwithkids.org National Education Association's Health Information Network: www.neahin.org National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy: http://www.teenpregnancy.org/parent/default.asp Blake, S., Simkin, L., Ledsky,
R., Perkins, C., & Calabrese, J. (2001). Effects of a parent-child
communications intervention on young adolescents' risk for early
onset of sexual intercourse. Family Planning Perspecitives, 33(2):
55-61. Has There Been a Talk About Sex? Teenagers and Their Mothers Often Disagree, (2000). Family Planning Perspectives, 32(4). http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3219900.html Holtzman, D. & Rubinson, R. (1995). Parent and peer communication effects on AIDS- related behavior among U.S. high school students. Family Planning Perspectives, 27(5): 235-240 & 268. http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/2723595.html Markham, C., Tortoloero, S., Escobar-Chaves, L., Parcel, G., Harrist, R., & Addy, R., (2003). Family connectedness and sexual risk-taking among urban youth attending alternative high schools. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 35(4): 174-179. http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3517403.html Snegroff, S., (1995). Communicating about sexuality: A school/community program for parents and children, Journal of Health Education, 26(1): 49-51 Whitaker, D., Miller, K., May, D., & Levin, M. (1999). Teenage partners' communication about sexual risk and condom use: The importance of parent-teenager discussions. Family Planning Perspectives, 31(3): 117-121. http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/2723595.html |